Babysitting Blues
by GoldenManekiNeko
Summary: Harley wants to have a baby much to The Joker's dismay. Realizing that she's not going to shut up about it, The Joker makes a deal with Harley to see if she can at least handle babysitting but does The Joker really not want to have a child because he finds children annoying or is it because he secretly questions his skills as a father?
1. Chapter 1

The Joker was drawing up plans to catch Batman when Harley Quinn walked in, clearing her throat with a seductive smirk. The Joker glanced up at her then let out a heavy, annoyed sigh, shaking his head as he continued plotting Batman's demise.

"How's my handsome, charmin' man doin'?" Harley asked before saying, "I betcher next plan to kill Batsy is brilliant. You're so smart, clever and wise."

"What do you want?" The Joker asked, not taking his hazel eyes off of the blueprints sprawled out across the desk in front of him.

"What makes ya think I want somethin'?" Harley asked innocently.

"I can just tell..." He replied, eyes glued to the plans.

"Well, I was hopin'; ya know? Since we're so close and our relationship is growin' so fast and we really love each other..."

"Darling, you're rambling again..." The Joker cute her off.

"Sorry, sorry...Puddin'? Can we have a baby?" Harley asked, causing the Joker to spit his coffee out onto the desk then cough and gag as he choked on it. Harley couldn't help but giggle at this as The Joker grinned, trying to contain his anger.

"Harley...Do you remember what happened the last time you asked me that?" The Joker asked, pulling out a switchblade.

"Ya stole hyenas from The Zoo for me?" Harley remembered.

"Yes...Aren't Bud and Lou enough?" The Joker questioned.

"Well yeah but I want us to have a baby; ya know? Go through the miracles of childbirth. Please Mistah. J?" Harley begged.

"NO!" The Joker snapped, making Harley cry.

"Oh no; stop...Please stop..." The Joker pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration as he tried to tune out Harley's loud sobs.

"Okay..." He began as Harley cried harder and louder.

"ALRIGHT! TELL YA WHAT!" He shouted, earning Harley's attention and silencing her loud sobbing.

"I will have a baby with you..." He agreed, making Harley squeal in delight.

"On one condition..." He added, making Harley's excitement drop.

"We babysit somebody else's snot-nosed brat and if you still want a child of your own after that challenge, then we'll have one..." The Joker agreed, holding his hand out to shake on it.

"Deal!" Harley agreed before shaking The Joker's hand only to be electrocuted at high voltage.

"Oopsy Daisies! Sorry pooh." The Joker apologized before removing the joy buzzer from his hand as Harley curled up on the floor like a dead spider and twitched.

~The Next Day.~

The Joker and Harley Quinn went to a family's house to babysit.

"Thank you so much for babysitting Mr. and Mrs. ...Um..." The Mother tried to say.

"You can call me Mr. J...and her Mrs. J" The Joker introduced them with a grin as Harley squealed and blushed, appearing love-struck.

"And you're quite welcome darling..." He added.

"Cameron?! Cory?! Chance?! Tes?! The babysitters are here!" The Mother called the names of her kids from oldest to youngest as two boys and two girls walked out. Both girls had dark brown hair while the boys had blonde hair. They all seemed to be around the age range of 10-6 and the oldest boy was overweight and the oldest girl had curly hair.

"Mom! You're gonna wake up Charlie!" Tes, the youngest girl growled.

"We just got him to sleep!" Cory, the oldest girl whined.

"Sorry..." The Mother apologized before leaving her children alone with The Clown Prince of Crime and his girlfriend, The Cupid of Crime.

It was then, The Joker noticed Cameron, the oldest boy was glaring at him.

"What?" The Joker asked when he noticed the heavy-weighted boy was wearing a Batman T-shirt.

"Of course..." He muttered upon realizing the boy he was babysitting was a Batman fan. He was unaware that Tes had stuck her hand behind the jukebox in the living room which was mostly used for decoration and turned the volume all the way up to prank her new babysitters.

"Oo! Can I play a song?" Harley asked with a squeal of excitement upon noticing the jukebox.

"Yeah, just play a quiet one..." Chance, the youngest boy replied as Harley stuck a quarter in the old machine and selected a song from the Beasty Boys. The record could be heard turning within the machine along with the gears turning before, "KICK IT!" Erupted from the speakers along with the loud, electric guitar music from Fight for Our Right to Party. The booming noise was enough to shatter the windows and rattle the whole house as the kids, Harley and Joker were sent into a panic. In an overly-dramatic yet heroic manner, The Joker hopped over the kitchen counter, sliding across it and then quickly dashing over to the jukebox and in a swift movement turned the volume all the way down but his attempts to keep the noise from waking Charlie, the infant were futile as the baby's crying now filled the house, replacing the music.

"What'd you wake him up for?!" Cameron complained as he and all of the kids tackled the unsuspecting and currently unarmed Joker to the ground.

"Harley! Help me!" The Joker cried out as Harley whacked all of the kids off of him with her mallet. The kids all got up and ran outside as Harley and The Joker chased after them. Harley chased Chance and Cameron, swinging her mallet at them but missing as The Joker chased Tes and Cory, barely able to keep up. She finally managed to smack Chance in the side of the head, knocking him down before saying, "Gotcha! Now ya have to help me catch your brother."

Harley ran at Cameron with her mallet but he dodged her swings by doing some rather impressive Michael Jackson dance moves. It was then, Chance tackled him to the ground, applying to the rules of Harley's game as he forcefully pulled off his Batman T-shirt and threw it to Harley.

"Keep away!" Harley cheered as she caught the shirt and ran back inside with both boys chasing her. She ran upstairs and threw Cameron's Batman t-shirt out of the open window and into the outside trashcan.

"That was my favorite shirt!" Cameron jumped onto Harley's back in an attempt to make her fall out of the window as well but she grabbed him, yanking him off of her and flipping him over and sending him slamming up against the closet door but Chance grabbed her leg in an attempt to defend his brother.

"Get off!" Harley yelled before kicking Chance against the wall as The Joker busted in, dragging Cory and Tes in by their hair before trowing them both through the sheetrock wall. He then smacked Charlie across the face with all his strength, silencing his wailing before yelling, "ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP! YOU KIDS BETTER STOP DONKING AROUND! YOU'RE GOING TO MESS UP OUR PLANS" He then made a barking noise similar to a rabid, deranged dog as the kids stayed silent with fear.

"IT'S MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY! I'M DON WON CHERRY TEMPO! NOW GET TO BED GLIP GLOP IT!" He ordered as all of the kids piled up into Chance's bed out of fear.

"You're a good father Mistah. J." Harley kissed The Joker's burning, red cheek as he seethed angrily.

"I'll take it from here puddin'." She ruffled his green hair before he descended downstairs.

Harley grabbed a story book from the shelf before squeezing herself into the cramped bed with the kids to read them a bedtime story.

"Quinn..." Cameron grunted, earning a confused glance from Harley.

"Hm? Call me Harley; everyone does." Harley insisted with a sweet smile.

"Why is The Joker making you babysit us?" The young hero wannabe questioned.

"To prove I could take care of a baby if we had one." Harley replied happily.

"You and The Joker have a baby? You'd be the worst parents ever!" Cameron laughed.

"No we wouldn't!" Harley defended.

"Yeah you would; you would get the Worst Mother of The Year award." He laughed as the ears of Harley's hat flattened a bit.

"Can we hear a story now?" Chance begged innocently.

"Yeah sure kid; just gimme a minute..." Harley sighed sadly before getting out of bed and locking herself in the bathroom. She leaned her back against the door as she slowly slid down into a sitting position then began to cry softly.

~Meanwhile.~

The Joker was downstairs, in the living room, on his laptop, posting pictures of hyenas on the internet when he got a FaceTime call. He answered the call to an overweight man with blonde hair and glasses that went by the name Conner, The Joker's only normal, human friend.

"Conner! What a pleasant surprise!" The Joker greeted with a large grin.

"Hey man. How are things?" Conner greeted with a smile.

"Not good; Harley wants to have a baby..." The Joker sighed with a frown.

"And..." Conner encouraged him to go on, not finding that a bad enough reason.

"What if my own child likes Batman more than me?" The Joker worriedly admitted. While Conner and The Joker talked it out, Harley stopped crying and exited the bathroom to find that the kids were asleep, all except for Charlie, who wasn't in his crib.

"Oh snap..." Harley panicked before running downstairs to look for him.

"Mistah. J; have you seen Charlie?" She asked worriedly.

"Yeah; he crawled out the front door." The Joker replied nonchalantly.

"You mean to tell me you let a helpless baby crawl out the front door while you were watchin' Gene-Gene THE DANCIN' MACHINE?!" Harley began accusing him which she rarely did. What if he had done this with their real child?

"Calm down Harl'...Calm down..." The Joker warned, returning Harley to her normal self once she remembered what her boyfriend was capable of.

"Y-Yes sir...Sorry..." She squeaked before rushing out to find Charlie but she was too late; Charlie had been run over by a car.

"Oh my gosh; no...Not tonight..." She dropped to her knees, beginning to cry. She was unaware that Cameron was standing right behind her.

"You killed my baby brother!" He growled before shining a large flashlight on a paper bat, shining a Bat-Signal into the sky.

Harley ran back inside, thinking if she got Cameron in trouble with The Joker, she could get off of the hook for baby Charlie's death.

"Mistah. J! Mistah. J!" She cried, running over to him.

"Wait a minute..." The Joker politely put Conner on hold before rudely yelling, "WHAT?!" At Harley.

"Cameron's shinin' a Bat-Signal in the sky!" She tattled, making The Joker's eyes widen.

"I'll be right back!" He panicked as he ran outside and snatched the flashlight from Cameron.

"Give that back!" Cameron demanded as he followed The Joker back inside.

"You are not signaling that over-grown bat over here!" The Joker growled as he entered the kitchen.

"But Harley just..." Cameron began when he was cut off by The Joker smashing his flashlight out of rage and slight jealousy.

"Here! Give your best friend Batman some dinner!" He yanked open the door to the refrigerator and threw handfuls of the family's Thanks Giving Dinner onto the floor.

"Hey!" Cameron ran to stop him but he slipped in the stuffing and fell down.

"Ha-ha! He fell!" Harley pointed and laughed at him immaturely.

"He slipped in the bat-food..." The Joker nodded in agreement though he wasn't laughing.

"It's not BAT-FOOD! It's stuffing..." Cameron stood back up.

"Is that person still on FaceTime?!" Harley realized.

"Oh snap...Hey there; I'm sorry...You had to hear that didn't you?" The Joker apologized to Conner, who just found the whole situation funny when the phone rang.

"Hello?" Harley answered the phone in her Harleen Quinnzel voice to avoid suspicion. It was Batman; he had called the house to make sure Cameron wasn't calling him over for yet another false alarm as he did frequently.

"No Batman; there's no emergency..." She replied when The Joker suddenly yelled, "LAUGH IT UP!" He was angry enough to almost cry. Harley shushed him, covering his mouth gently before continuing to answer Batman's questions, "That's the T.V" She lied.

"Hey! There's turkey all over the floor; clean it up!" The Joker yelled, hanging up on Conner as Harley hung up on Batman. It was then, they heard a loud shriek from outside.

"Uh oh..." Harley whimpered, knowing that the Mother had returned to see the mutilated mess that was once her precious, infant son.

"Jeez Louise..." The Joker complained, cleaning his ear out as the angry Mother bursted in through the front door.

"YOU!" She pointed to Harley before yelling, "YOU KILLED MY BABY! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BABYSIT! YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO HAVE A BABY OF YOUR OWN! YOU'RE A TERRIBLE MOTHER AND A TERRIBLE PERSON!"

Poor Harley burst into tears and ran outside as the Mother turned to yell at The Joker next, "And you!" She began.

"Don't even think about it sister!" The Joker growled protectively as he pulled out a razor blade, designed to look like an Ace card.

"That's a good way to get your fat Ace slapped, saying stuff like that to my girl." He snarled before slitting her throat with the card/blade then running outside to check on his girlfriend.

"Mom!" Cameron cried as his Mother fell to the floor.

Luckily, Harley Quinn hadn't gotten far; she was standing in the front yard crying hysterically as The Joker worriedly ran over to her.

"Are you okay dear?" He asked, placing a hand on her shaky shoulder as the very small part of him that actually cared about things kicked in.

"Oh puddin'!" Harley sobbed as she clung to him and buried her face into his chest.

"There, there...Everything's going to be okay...Okay?" He wrapped his strong arms around her shaking frame, holding her close to him as he comforted her. It was then, he noticed something about baby Charlie's shredded remains.

"Wait a minute..." He rather hesitantly picked up the corpse, examining it closely.

"This isn't Charlie...It's a dead opossum!" He exclaimed as Harley heard a baby's laughter coming from behind her. They both turned to see Charlie unharmed and giggling.

"Naughty boy." Harley scolded, picking him up. She was just happy that he wasn't dead and that she didn't fail as a mother.

"Shame on you; scaring you're new Mother like that." The Joker grinned.

"Mother?" Harley asked, perking up a bit.

"A deal's a deal doll-face." He replied and why not? A trio would work better than a duo when the baby was old enough to fight Batman and the baby was a lot like them seeing as how he himself pulled a joke on them.

"Oh, tank you so much Mistah. J!" Harley cheered as they took their newly kidnapped baby, Charlie with them.

CHAPTER 1 OF 4.


	2. Chapter 2 Batman's Physical

Harley Quinn was teaching her new baby, Charlie the Alphabet while The Joker worked on his newest plans to kill Batman. Charlie's original attire: a blue T-shirt and a diaper had been replaced with: a miniature version of The Joker's suit and a miniature version of Harley Quinn's jester hat, complete with porcelain, clown-doll makeup to tie off the appearance.

"Okay Charlie; what letter is this?" Harley asked, holding up a flashcard with the letter .F on it.

"K!" Charlie cheered with a giggle.

"No, it's .F..." Harley corrected before saying, "I don't get it; every time I say .F, you see .K"

"Harleen Quinzell! You know how I feel about cursing so don't you dare teach the kid to! We're clowns not comedians at sketchy nightclubs!" The Joker scolded.

"But I didn't curse..." Harley defended.

"You spelled a curse word!" The Joker accused with a growl.

"No I didn't!" She childishly argued.

"Of course not. What was I thinking?" The Joker rolled his eyes before playfully tickling Charlie to make him smile, "Goochy! Goochy! Goo!" Charlie giggled before reaching up and pulling out three strands of The Joker's hair.

"Ow!" He yelped as baby Charlie attempted to eat his hair before spitting it back out with a, "Bleh!"

"Aww! He's hungry..." Harley cooed as The Joker rubbed his scalp in an attempt to sooth the throbbing as he muttered something about Charlie learning manners and feeding him to the hyena under his breath.

"I like turtles..." Charlie giggled as The Joker groaned and face palmed.

"I'm gonna getcha some food Li'l .J; you stay with Daddy." Harley smiled.

"Okay lady." Charlie replied.

"I'm your Mother Charlie...Call me Mom..." Harley sighed, knowing that Charlie knew her and The Joker weren't his real parents. She then gave Charlie and The Joker a kiss on the cheek before giving Bud and Lou a pat on the head then heading to the store.

~Meanwhile.~

The Mother of Charlie, Chance, Cameron, Cory and Tes, who had survived her last encounter with The Joker but now suffers from a large scar on her throat and problems speaking clearly was being interviewed on The News.

"Please, somebody bring my baby back safe..." She chocked out as she began to cry hysterically. It was then, The Joker shot out the T.V screen with his pistol, snarling lightly after doing so. His glare then softened as he picked up baby Charlie then asked, "You don't want to go back to that wretched woman do you?"

"Mommy?" Charlie questioned, recognizing his real Mother as he reached for the broken T.V forlornly. It was then, The Joker pounded his fist on the top of Charlie's head before shouting, "SHE'S NOT YOUR MOTHER! HARLEY IS GOT IT?!" He growled from jealously as Charlie shrank down in fear.

"Okay Mr..." Charlie whimpered, rubbing his head.

"I'm your Father kiddo...Call me Dad..." The Joker sighed before calling his henchmen, who were dressed like The Three Stooges, "Moe! Lar'! Curl'! Come on boys; we got a bat to catch!" He ordered, carrying Charlie over to his violet Cadillac.

"Yes bos." Moe followed.

"Right behind ya." Larry followed.

"Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!" Curly laughed as he followed close behind.

~Meanwhile.~

Harley Quinn snuck into the kitchen of Charlie's former Mother's house, stealing all of the baby mush and formula from her fridge when she heard footsteps coming her way. She put the food in her smiley face purse before making a mad dash upstairs to hide.

~Meanwhile.~

Bruce Wayne was driving his Limo to a meeting when he heard The Joker's psychotic, high-pitched cackle from the car behind him. The Joker had unmasked him in front of all the villains a while back but they all decided to let him go when they realized how boring their lives of crime would be without Batman as their challenge but things were different this time, Batman posed as a risk to The Joker's newly formed family; it was only a matter of minutes before he busted Harley and him for kidnapping and took the closest thing they had to a child away from them and The Joker was tired of being reminded that he didn't have a family. Deep down he always wanted a wife and a child but he was too proud to admit it and now that he had a family, he was determined to destroy anything or anyone that posed as a threat to it.

"Oh now..." Bruce gasped as he slammed on the gas peddle, driving a hundred miles an hour. He hadn't even heard about baby Charlie's kidnapping yet so he was confused as to why The Joker had suddenly changed his mind and decided to do him in. He drove over the hills of the street as The Joker's loud, bulky Cadillac came crashing over the hills after him.

"Faster Curl'!" The Joker ordered as he rolled his window down and stuck his upper half out of the window while sitting on the window cill. Curly was practically dancing as he held on to the tail of The Joker's suit to keep him from falling of the window with one hand, steering the car and working the stick-shift with the other and stomping on the gas and clutch peddled with both feet in fast, comical motions.

"I'm goin' as fast as I can boss! Woowoowoowoowoowoowoowoowoo!" He complained as The Joker threw cough drops, loose-change, soda-bottles/cans, beer-bottles/cans, wine-bottles, old bullet-shells, a Tennis-racket and a radio at Bruce's Limo, denting the back of it horribly and cracking the windshield. Bruce put his vehicle in autopilot as he tried to change into his Batman costume so he could properly fight The Joker but much to his misfortune, The Joker had found a hand grenade in his glove compartment and had thrown it at his Limo, blowing it off of the road as it crashed on the beach, near the ocean. Batman crawled from the wreckage of his Limo and reached for his utility belt that had fallen out of the window when The Joker stepped in his hand, making him cry out in pain. The Joker picked up the belt with one hand as he used the other to squeeze the flower on his lapel and squirt Chloroform in Batman's face, rendering him unconscious.

~Meanwhile.~

Charlie's former Mother had hired a normal woman to babysit her remaining children while she went with the police on a search party for her infant. The babysitter was going upstairs to clean the children's rooms while they were out in the yard playing. She entered Cory's room first, seeing that Cory had a lot of clown dolls and statues, varying in size. This made it easy for Harley Quinn to hide in plain sight as she slumped in the rocking chair at the foot of the bed with a disturbing grin plastered across her countenance. She was easily mistaken for a life-size clown doll as the new babysitter winced in fear before covering Harley up with a blanket. She jumped when she heard the phone ring and ran downstairs to answer it.

"Hello?" She answered it to Charlie's Mother who had called to check up on things.

"Yes ma'am, everything's fine but the clown doll at the foot of your daughter's bed is creeping me out. I had to cover it up; is that okay with you?" She asked as she awaited The Mother's answer growing quiet and pale when she received it.

"What do you mean there's no clown doll at the foot of the bed?!" She asked before dropping the phone when she heard a psychotic laughter behind her. She turned around only to get cracked over the head with Harley's mallet as she slipped into unconsciousness.

~Meanwhile.~

When Batman awoke, he was trapped in a purple, cage-like piece of exorcise equipment. He could see The Joker's henchmen fighting in a rather comical, Three-Stooges-like manner before The Joker walked in and yelled, "ENOUGH! Set those tables and chairs back up like they were NOW! This ain't no slumber party!" The Stooge-like henchmen broke up their fighting immediately and began scrambling to clean everything up.

"I've seen a bunch of wild hyenas act like this! No offense Bud and Lou..." The Joker smiled at his pet hyenas.

"Non taken." Bud wagged his tail.

"Daddy's boy..." Lou grumbled.

"Joker..." Batman grunted as The Joker directed his ice-cold glare his way.

"Why?" He asked with a pained groan.

"Like you don't know..." The Joker growled.

"I don't unless you're still mad about the chemicals...That was an accident..." Batman replied.

"Don't play dumb Batsy!" The Joker snapped before jokingly saying, "As if you were ever really playing..." This remark caused Batman to glare at him.

"But I know very good and well that you know about mine and Harley's new baby!" He snarled as Batman raised an eyebrow in confusion and said, "Uh...congratulations?" With a shrug, making The Joker growl in frustration.

"It's not mine; I swear!" Batman defended, thinking that Harley must have cheated on him and he was a suspect.

"It's not mine either! Or hers..." He walked away from the cages before Batman asked, "So...you adopted?"

"NO! Yes? SORTA!" The Joker replied.

Can I...see the little guy?" Batman asked, provoking a rather surprised and confused look from The Joker before he pursed his lips and picked baby Charlie up out of his crib with a dull expression.

"What's his name?" Batman smiled.

"Charlie?" The Joker replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Like Charlie Chaplin?" Batman asked as it finally occurred to The Joker that Batman really had no clue what was going on as he forced a polite grin and said, "Yes...like Charlie Chaplin..." Through gritted teeth.

"So why am I locked up?" Batman questioned.

"Just testing my new trap..." The Joker smiled nervously before ordering his henchmen to release Batman. It would be wise to release him at this moment since he were left in the dark about the whole situation and keeping him locked up in his lair would be a higher risk of him catching onto them, plus he still had Batman's utility belt and without that Batman would be powerless even if he did find out.

"Bye Batsy! Come again!" The Joker waved as the confused Batman left his house, still unaware that he was missing his belt.

"I don't get it Jo'; why'd ya let Batsy get away?" Curly asked.

"Simple my dear boy, Batman doesn't know where Charlie really came from and no one will as long as he has this disguise. No one except those snot-nosed brats but I can put a stop to that and I have Batman's belt. He won't be stopping any crime for a while. "The Joker victoriously explained before plotting the demise of his real problems.

Chapter 2 of 4.


	3. Chapter 3: Brain Blowout

The doorbell rang at Charlie's Mother's house.

"I'll get it!" Cameron announced before answering the door to The Joker.

"Joker!" He gasped as The Joker blew on a party-favor Blowout. it extended into a hand and grabbed Cameron by the throat as his Mother could be heard shrieking and calling out for help from the kitchen. Moe carried her out of the kitchen as Larry carried Tes out of the living room and Curly carried Chance downstairs. When Cameron realized that they didn't have his sister Cory, he struggled to talk though the choking sensation as he called out, "Cory...! Run...!"

"Why should I run?" Cory's voice asked sinisterly as she stepped out from behind The Joker, dressed as The Mardi Gras Jester. She then added, "After all I am Mr.J's newest henchy..."

The last thing Cameron saw before passing out was his own sister smirking at him sinisterly.

"Take 'em away boys!" The Joker ordered as his henchmen carried Tes, Chance Cameron and their mother to the concession wagon outside. He then looked to Cory and said, "Cory, I have a little job for you."

"Please, I'm your henchy now; call me Mardi..." She smiled.

"Okay Mardi; I need you to keep Batsy, Thing-One and Thing-Two distracted for me." He explained with a grin.

"Sure thing boss!" She saluted before running outside.

"Excellent..." The Joker smirked.

When Cameron woke up, he and his family except for Charlie and Cory were locked in a filthy room, on a flat-screen T.V attached to the wall, The Joker could be seen, innocently drinking a juice box.

"LET US OUT OF HERE JOKER!" Cameron shouted, earning The Joker's attention as he pressed the button near the microphone that turned the speakers in the room on.

"Oh, you're awake!" He greeted with a smile.

"What have you done with Charlie and Cory?!" Cameron growled.

"You mean Mardi? I only convinced her to become one of my new henchies after Harley told me about her little 'clown obsession'..." The Joker explained, doing air quotes when mentioning Mardi/Cory's clown obsession.

"And Charlie's right here with his Daddy!" He added before holding up Charlie.

"MY BABY!" The Mother screamed, outstretching her arms toward the T.V screen.

"You're NOT his Mother!" The Joker snapped before grinning and saying, "Harley is..."

"Screw this! I'm outta here!" Tes approached one of the doors in the room.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you..." The Joker warned in a sing-song voice as Tes opened the door. Joker-Toxin shot out from the room and sprayed her in the face as she fell dead to the floor with a sickening grin.

"WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO?!" Cameron gasped as his Mother screamed and cried over the loss of her youngest daughter.

"I know it's a little Jack Nicholson but hey! Joker!" The Joker shrugged when Chance approached one of the other doors.

"Chance NO!" Cameron warned as Chance stepped out into a hallway only to get his head smashed by two giant mallets, splattering blood everywhere and making everyone, even The Joker himself scream and gasp in horror when it happened.

"ARE YOU NUTS?!" Cameron questioned as his Mother broke down crying over the loss of her two children.

"Yeah but it's normal! Joker!" The Joker shrugged again.

"You just wait until Batman shows up!" Cameron threatened.

"I don't think your idol can help you without this." The Joker held up Batman's belt with a smirk before laughing manically.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!" The Mother screamed.

"I just decided to take a CHANCE with this little TES!" The Joker laughed as Cameron glared at him menacingly.

~Meanwhile.~

Mardi Gras had just got through smashing The Batsignal with her new mallet.

"Was all that drama really necessary? Couldn't ya have just taken the bat out and used the light for somethin' else?" Moe asked.

"Boss' orders; no Batsignal, no Bat-freaks." Mardi explained with a wink.

"Think again..." Batgirl growled as she landed behind them.

"I see The Joker got a new toy...Who are you? His cousin? His sister? His niece or are you from Harley's side?" She interrogated.

"None of those and who I am is none of your business..." Mardi growled before scissor-legging Batgirl and flipping her off of the building but she unfortunately opened the wings of her cape, gliding safely to a lower building. She then glared up at the building where Mardi and the Stooge-like henchmen were only to find that they had mysteriously disappeared.

"Where'd they-AAAAA!" Batgirl began before crying out in pain when Mardi snuck up behind her and slice her head open with a diamond-shaped razor-blade, cutting open her mask as well. Batgirl grabbed her from behind and flipped her off of her and the building, sending her falling to her death as she landed on top of a car with great force, causing the car alarm to go off as it began to rain on her lifeless body.

Harley Quinn, who saw the whole thing whispered, "Mistah. J ain't gonna like this..."

Batgirl glared at her and she tried to run away but Batgirl swooped down, landing in front of her.

"Take this Brat-girl!" Harley sliced Batgirl across the forehead with one of The Joker's card-blades, doing even more damage to her mask before ripping it off completely then throwing it to the ground and stomping on it but before she could see who Batgirl was, she covered her face and ran off.

"Amateur..." Harley scoffed at Mardi's mangled corpse before calling The Joker and telling him what happened.

"WHAT?! YOU'RE JOKING!" The Joker growled over the phone before sighing and saying, "No, I'm not angry..." He then yelled, "I SAID I'M NOT ANGRY! GOODBYE!" Before hanging up.

"Did Batman foil your evil plans Joker?" Cameron asked with a smirk.

"Batgirl just killed my new henchmen Mardi Gras..." The Joker replied, cursing shortly afterward.

"WHAT?!" Cameron gasped as his Mother had lost it completely. She screamed before grabbing the doorknob to the only door left in the room. The doorknob electrocuted her at high voltage until she was nothing but a blackened, charred skeleton.

"Now that was funny!" The Joker pointed and laughed at Cameron's now dead Mother.

"Why are you doing this?!" Cameron yelled.

"So Batsy doesn't find out who little Charlie really belongs to and take him away from us." The Joker replied before saying, "Charlie? Come to Daddy."

"Okay Mr." Charlie crawled over to him.

"Charlie, I'm your father; call me Dad..." The Joker picked Charlie up, appearing a bit saddened.

"Okay Mr." Charlie repeated with a giggle.

"I'm Daddy! Call me Daddy! Daddy!" The Joker wined, shaking him a bit. Cameron noticed how badly this bothered The Joker so he decided to torment him a bit in a strategy attempt.

"He won't call you Dad because you're not his real Father." He teased with a smirk.

"Shut up you Batman lover!" The Joker snapped, making Charlie cry. He then smacked Charlie across the face, silencing his crying.

"Is that was this is about?! Because I'm a Batman fan?! Is that why you're doing all of this?! I bet you and Cory planned this whole babysitting thing from the start just to bug me!" Cameron snapped.

"Actually no; Harley wanted to have a kid of her own so I set up this whole babysitting thing to turn her against the idea but now I think I actually like the idea of having a kid of my own, a little Joker to help me get Batsy." The Joker explained before tickling Charlie and making him giggle in delight.

"I think I've made a great Father with the way I've handled you and your siblings." He smiled warmly as he set Charlie down in his crib.

"Who are you kidding?! You've done a terrible job babysitting us! We all hated you!" Cameron pointed out.

"Shut up..." The Joker growled.

"You and Harley Quinn beat up all four of us and almost killed Charlie! What kind of Father lets a helpless infant crawl out the front door?! Sure you got Cory to like you but she's dead now because of you!" Cameron continued as The Joker let it sink in that these children were a simulation of his and Harley's children and he handled the challenge as a parent by killing two of them and he was so careless with Charlie and Mardi Gras but he didn't want to admit to any of this to himself.

"Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!" The Joker shouted as he covered his ears and turned his back to Cameron. Cameron smirked, time for the final blow.

"Why? Can't handle the fact that any child you have will grow up to be like me and love Batman instead of you?" He asked. Now this struck a nerve. The Joker trembled with rage, grinding his teeth loudly much like Hopfrog. Cameron had went too far. He watched as The Joker let out a loud, high-pitched, deranged, frustrated scream before pulling out a sledgehammer and smashing the camera with it, cutting off the signal to the T.V in the room Cameron was in.

"Where'd he go?!" Cameron panicked when he heard pounding on the brick wall next to him.

"YOU MISERABLE, SCUM-SUCKING CREEP!" The Joker busted down the brick wall, coming at Cameron with the sledgehammer but he dodged the blow, making The Joker knock a hole in the floor.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" He screamed, throwing the sledgehammer at Cameron just narrowly missing him and busting up the wall behind him.

"Are you freaking crazy?!" Cameron gasped when The Joker threw several, hard, forceful, roundhouse punches into Cameron's face at surprising speed, not letting up even when he had become dizzy. The Joker then spin kicked him into a pile of boxes before picking up his sledgehammer again, stumbling backwards a bit from it's great weight before regaining his balance.

Cameron ran and hid as The Joker yelled, "Where are ya, ya little fudrucker?!" He was seething mad.

~Meanwhile.~

Harley had just gotten home, now soaking wet from having to walk home in the rain. She made her way to the bathroom to to peel off her running, clown-paint and take a shower only to find Cameron clinging to the toilet, his face red and swollen, snot oozing from his nose and tears streaming down his cheeks. Before Harley even had the chance to question what was going on, she heard The Joker yell, "THERE YOU ARE!" She was quick to duck as a spinning sledgehammer went flying at Cameron over her head. It smashed the window allowing Cameron to escape outside as he climbed out and ran for dear life. Cameron sprinted through their back yard but then turned sharply when The Joker jumped out in front of him and attempted to hit him with his sledgehammer but when he turned Harley was standing there ready to hit him with her mallet. He made yet another sharp turn and sprinted down their long driveway as Bud and Lou chased him through the thick brush that was keeping their hideout well hidden. The two hyenas viciously snapped at him, one managing to rip his shirt off with his sharp teeth as they both laughed manically. In a swift movement, Cameron jumped into the back of a moving pickup truck once he reached the street but this didn't stop The Joker from chasing after the truck with his sledgehammer as Harley picked up whatever she could find in the driveway and threw it at him. Harley eventually ran out of breath and dramatically attempted to kick the pickup truck despite it being too far away.

"Get 'm Mistah. J!" She cheered as The Joker heroically continued to chase after the truck in the sideways rain with a look of determination.

"Wait up pal! Hey, slow down buddy!" He threw his sledgehammer at the pickup truck, taking out the bumper when he ran out of breath.

"Old friend! AMIGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He yelled, jumping up and down as Cameron made his safe get away.

Harley sympathetically approached him, putting her arm around him before saying, "C'mon puddin'; let's getcha some hot cocoa..." She lead her seething boyfriend back inside as an attempt to cheer him up.

Chapter: 3/4.


	4. Chapter 4 The Pain: FINAL

The Joker sobbed uncontrollably into his arms which rested on his desk. He had been crying for hours over the hurtful things Cameron had said to him. It wouldn't have been as bad if they weren't true. His babysitting methods had only proven him to be an unfit parent, the dangerous psychopath everyone saw when they looked at him. That was exactly why he didn't want to have a baby with Harley, so she wouldn't realize that he didn't know the first thing about being a Father, that and...because he almost was a father once. When he was still normal, fun-loving Jack Napier, he had a wife, a pregnant wife but his life of crime in The Mafia had cost him his first and only loving family. His Mob Boss had them assassinated when poor Jack had failed to preform a task for them and he was afraid of going through that same pain again so he had become a social outcast, a loner but Harley, Harley had managed to get him to open, it took time but The Clown Prince of Crime had gradually allowed himself to feel love again, to feel love for Harleen Quinzell and he had allowed himself to want to have a happy family again but he killed Cory, Tes and Chance, the kids he was suppose to practice parenting on and he almost let Charlie get killed. Who was he kidding? He wasn't cut out for parenting and now him and Harley are going to lose baby Charlie because Cameron escaped and would no doubt sell them out to the police and it's going to be all his fault, Harley would probably leave him for it and he would have to go through that bitter, cold, lonely pain once again, the pain of losing his family. His shoulders shook as he cried a bit harder and louder.

"Puddin'?" He was startled out of his troubling thoughts when Harley Quinn had entered his office, in her infamous red and black frilled nightgown. She had removed her jester costume completely to wash it after running around in the mud and rain but she had left her mask on to still maintain her clown-like appearance, her still damp hair had been pulled into high pigtails and she had reapplied her black lipstick as she had come in to give him his hot chocolate.

"WHAT?!" The Joker snapped as tears streamed his cheeks, causing the black greasepaint around his eyes to smear and run.

Harley appeared a bit taken aback by his tears at first but then she appeared greatly concerned as she asked, "Puddin', what's wrong?" She quickly handed him his cup of hot chocolate in hopes of cheering him up but he was too upset to partake of it. His tears and running clown paint just dripped into his cup of cocoa.

"Nothing..." The Joker sniffled before admitting, "Except for the fact that I'm a bad father..." He then began crying hysterically again as he clenched his fists.

"What? No you're not..." Harley reassured as she rubbed his shoulders gently and soothingly but this did little to comfort her broken boyfriend.

"I can't even take care of somebody else's kids...I killed Chance and Tes, I couldn't protect Cory and I almost killed Charlie!" He sobbed, covering his eyes as Harley hugged him tightly from behind. She hated seeing him this way. Sure she rarely ever saw him cry but when he did, she hated seeing it.

"It wasn't your fault..." She reassured but he only cried harder and louder.

"Cameron was right...Batman would make a better Father than me..." The Joker cried a bit more softly as he tried pull his feelings back into the bottle he kept them in.

"Cameron said that?!" Harley asked before sympathetically saying, "Aw...I'm gonna kill 'm..."

"It's not like it matters; once the boy reaches the authorities our days as parents are over..." The Joker sniffled.

"Never say never!" Harley chirped excitedly.

"I didn't say never..." The Joker sighed, wiping his tears away.

"Who's the best girlfriend in the world?" Harley smirked playfully.

"What are you talking about?" He groaned.

"I put a tracking' device on Ol' Cammy and he ain't goin' nowhere near Batsy..." Harley replied, showing him the G.P.S-like device that tracked Cameron's every movement.

"Well get dressed girl! We gotta go get him!" The Joker perked up, before running to the bathroom to fix his clown makeup and to make sure his bladder was empty before he had to catch Cameron.

"It does my heart good to see him happy..." Harley smiled before getting her Harlequin costume out of the dryer.

~Meanwhile.~

Batgirl picked up Mardi Gras, A.K.A Cory's lifeless body, removing her mask and jester hat.

"Who is she?" Robin asked as he leaned in to get a better look.

"I don't know...but I have a feeling that The Joker did something he doesn't want Batman or us to know about and he used this girl to cover it up..." Batgirl replied before heroically saying, "What ever he did...I'm gonna find out what it is..."

~Meanwhile.~

Once The Joker had relieved himself and fixed his makeup and Harley was fully dressed, the two quickly hurried out to the car to find Cameron.

"Bye babies! take care of your baby brother!" Harley waved to Bud and Lou before her and The Joker got in the car and drove away, leaving their infant son alone with their two pet hyenas.

"Oh, we'll take good care of 'm..." Bud said sinisterly while holding Charlie as Lou licked his lips.

~Meanwhile.~

Cameron was at a Gas Station, telling a pretty girl about his age about how he heroically escaped from The Joker's clutches, of course stretching the truth quite a bit when a violet Cadillac came crashing through the store, just narrowly missing him. He tried to run when a yo-yo came flying out of the car window, wrapping it's cord around Cameron, hitting him on the head and knocking him out before pulling him into the vehicle. The Joker caught the now tie-up boy and threw him in the back seat roughly before letting out a loud, psychotic cackle as he drove away with great speed.

"Weirdo..." The little girl he was talking to muttered as she watched them drive away.

~Meanwhile.~

"Mama's little baby love shortenin', shortenin'! Mama's little baby loves shortenin' bread!" Bud sang as he happily set the table in a human-like fashion.

"Dinner's almost ready!" Lou called out as he prepared to put Charlie in a pot of boiling water. It was then, Ace The Bathound busted in through the window, on his jet and snatched Charlie out of Lou's paws.

"Eh!" Lou growled as Bud rushed to his side to help him fight Bathound.

"I don't think your masters would be too pleased if you ate their child..." Bathound reminded through gritted teeth as he held the back of Charlie's shirt gently in his mouth.

"Why don'tcha mind ya own business Brat-hound!" Bud yelled as he sprayed Ace's jet with a clown-prop water bottle, causing it to short out and explode, blowing both Ace and Charlie into the air.

"H-Hold on Charlie!" "We gotcha!" Bud and Lou both leapt in unison to catch baby Charlie. The two hyenas collided with each other and fell to the ground as baby Charlie landed safely on top of them. Ace on the other hand, crash landed into the wall.

"Alright! Alright! Alright! Rumpus time is over!" Bud growled as he stood back up along with Lou who said, "Just get lost Batsy!"

"Not until you tell me where Batman's belt is!" Ace growled as he stood up as well.

"Ya don't stand a chance against us Brat-hound! There's two of us and only one, big, fat you..." Bud smirked.

"So be it; we'll do this the hard way..." Ace huffed as the two hyenas charged at him. Ace charged at them but Bud ran a bit faster than Lou and tackled Bathound wrestling and fighting with him as Lou got Charlie and the pot of boiling water. Lou then ran upstairs as Bathound pinned Bud to the ground and yelled, "WHERE'S BATMAN'S BELT?!"

"I know it's a little Catwoman but..." Bud reached up and slashed Bathound's cheek with his sharp claws before forcefully kicking Bathound off of him then Following Lou upstairs.

"I can't believe I"m stuck fighting Tweedle-Dumb and Tweedle-Ideot..." Bathound sulked upstairs after them.

~Meanwhile.~

Harley Quinn was driving Cameron and The Joker to an abandoned building so he could kill Cameron with ease when Batgirl leapt onto the hood of their car and said, "Hand over the boy Harley!"

"Brat-girl!" Harley gasped before slamming on the breaks and trowing Batgirl off of the hood of the car and into a mud puddle. She then tried to run Batgirl over but she leapt out of the way, doing a front flip into the abandoned building.

"I'll handle Batgirl!" Harley got out of the car and ran after her as The Joker pulled a pistol from his glove compartment and said, "Sorry it had to end this way Cammy." He then pointed his pistol toward the backseat, only to find that Cameron had escaped his bondages and was missing.

"What in the what?!" He gasped as he looked out of the window to see Cameron running into the abandoned building to hide.

"Oh com on!" The Joker complained before chasing after him.

~Meanwhile.~

Ace The Bathound snuck around The Joker's torture chamber as he followed the sound of Bud and Lou's psychotic laughter.

"There it is..." He sighed in relief once he found Batman's belt and picked it up. He was about to leave when he remembered that Bud and Lou were attempting to kill and eat Harley and The Joker's infant son. He sighed in frustration as his conscience wouldn't allow him to leave a baby in the hyenas' clutches let alone The Clown Duos of Crime. He quickly turned and continued to follow their laughter. The child would be better off in an orphanage than with parents that would leave him alone with two vicious hyenas.

"Ya want me to do this?" Bud asked as he held Charlie over the pot of boiling water.

"We could just whack it off 'till tomorrow..." Lou replied, suggesting that they put it off until tomorrow in his own way.

"Whack it off?! That's gotta be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of!" Bud pouted when Bathound suddenly leapt out of nowhere and tackled Bud to the ground, taking Charlie from him.

"How about I whack you off?" he growled when Lou strafed him with cyan pepper, causing him to go into a coughing fit and drop Charlie. Bud then viciously attacked the injured Bathound. Lou then picked up the pot of scalding-hot water and dumped it on the poor, defenseless baby Charlie, causing him to scream, cry and wail in pain.

In a fit of rage upon hearing the infant's cries, Bathound kicked Bud off of him and into a pile of boxes before surprisingly and rather viciously attacking Lou with everything he had. Bud got up and tackled Ace to the ground as he and Lou attempted to shred him but after a few minutes of tumbling, biting and scratching, Ace managed to pin both Bud and Lou to the floor. He growled and snarled in both of their faces, seconds from killing both of them right there on the spot.

"You're not going to get away with harming that child..." He snarled as Bud and Lou exchanged glances then grinned evilly at each other.

"Except ya overlooked one fact Batsy; that wasn't a pot of boilin' water we dumped on the kid but a pot of chemicals!" Bud smirked as Bathound looked over at the now pale-skinned Charlie, who's back was turned to them.

"The same chemicals that sent Mistah. J off 'is rocker..." Lou added as Bathound slowly and hesitantly approached Charlie.

"He was leanin' too much toward the sane side when Mistah. J stole 'm from 'is real Mother so me and Lou decided to make 'm Insane in The Membrane." Bud stood back up, helping Lou to his feet.

"He was stolen?" Ace asked, not taking his eyes from the pale-skinned infant.

"Yeah, say hi to 'is original Ma'." Bud kicked The charred skeleton of Charlie's real Mother over to Bathound as he looked at it briefly before tapping Charlie on the shoulder.

Charlie turned around, growling at Ace like a rabid, savaged animal. He now had: pale-skin, lime-green hair and his mouth was slightly oversized and full of razor-sharp teeth.

"Take it easy kid..." Bathound took a few steps back when Charlie suddenly spun around fast in a small tornado. When he stopped, he was now wearing a yellow suit and fedora.

"Ssssssssmokin'!" He yelled in a deeper, more adult-sounding voice as he grinned sinisterly at Bathound.

"We was havin' watermelon for lunch." Bud smiled before hungrily devouring the watermelon in front of him.

"Don't ya know Mistah. J would absolutely kill us if we ate Charlie?" Lou added before tearing into his own watermelon as Ace got brutally attacked by Charlie.

~Meanwhile.~

"What do you want with the boy Harley?!" Batgirl yelled as she looked around for Harley.

"None of ya business ya Batman wannabe!" Harley called out from her unknown hiding place, angering Batgirl.

"What did you just say?!" Batgirl narrowed her eyes as she continued her search.

"Ya heard me! You're nothin' but a fowl up, wanna be loser just like the boy blunder! That's why Mistah. J and all the other villains capture ya so easily to use ya as bait to lure Batman in! The guy you're impersonatin'!" Harley ran past a doorway but she was too fast for Batgirl to catch her.

"At least I'm original! Batgirl?! Ya couldn't have done better than that?! What if I just called myself Jokergirl?! I'd be the same as you!" She taunted as Batgirl grew angrier.

"Robin's even more original than you!" Harley's face appeared in the mirror behind Batgirl.

"SHUT UP!" Batgirl punched the mirror, breaking it.

"No matter how many times ya beat me it won't change the fact that you're just a wanna be!" Harley finally appeared but the second Batgirl turned to face her, she threw her mallet at her, sending it spinning in her direction. Batgirl didn't have much time to think when the mallet suddenly stuck in the ground in front of her, the handle flying up and roughly whacking her in the face, knocking her unconscious. Harley approached the unconscious Batgirl and tied her up.

"And I'm takin' your shoes..." She stole her boots, putting them on herself.

~Meanwhile.~

Cameron ran to the rooftop then tripped The Joker, causing him to accidentally fling his gun off of the roof.

"There! No more gun! Now watchu gone do?!" Cameron asked when The Joker suddenly kicked him off of the roof. Cameron screamed as he was about to fall to his death when The Joker suddenly grabbed his hand in an attempt to save him. What was he doing?! He couldn't kill Cameron...Cameron was a simulation of his son. He could spare him, he could adopt him, he could teach him and rehabilitate him, he could become a Father, his Father. The Joker held onto Cameron's hand as he tried to pull him back onto the roof, tears of remorse filling his hazel eyes as he pulled with all of his strength but this was hard due to Cameron's massive weight.

"Okay! Okay! I take it back! You're a hundred times better than Batman!" Cameron lied as he realized what The Joker really wanted. He would use this against him and take advantage of his feelings for his own gain.

"Please adopt me and save me...Dad..." Cameron manipulated as The Joker struggled even harder to pull him back up.

"I'm trying to son but you're really, really fat..." The Joker grunted as he finally managed to get Cameron onto the edge of the building. This was Cameron's chance, The Joker was so close and his plan was working.

"Sneak attack!" Cameron cried before giving The Joker's shoulder a weak Karate-Chop. It didn't hurt but it did startle The Joker quite a bit as he gasped and unintentionally released his grip on Cameron's hand, dropping him.

"I regret nothing!" Were Cameron's last words before falling to his death, splattering on the sidewalk. The Joker slowly backed away from the edge with an unreadable expression before he let out a loud, ear-piercing wail of agony and despair.

"Joeycookamonge!" Harley gasped when she heard her boyfriend's cries. She quickly ran up to the roof to find The Joker crying bitterly.

"Mistah. J?" She timidly placed a hand on his shoulder but she quickly removed it when The Joker yelled, "DON'T FRICKEN TOUCH ME!"

"I'm just tryin' to cool stuff over!" Harley defended as Batgirl hopped up the stairs after her, still barefoot and tied up. She was shocked to see The Joker crying and his clown paint running.

"U-Um...Why are you crying Joker?" Batgirl asked awkwardly.

"My own son won't call me Dad! He's gonna grow up to love Batman more than me!" The Joker sobbed, clinging to Harley who had begun to tear up herself from seeing her boyfriend so broken.

"Yeah...He won't call me Mom either!" Harley began to cry as well as she held The Joker close.

"Um...sorry?" Batgirl comforted as she watched them cry and hug each other. She sighed as she started to feel bad for them and said, "Why don't you guys just go home and get some rest; I'll let you off the hook just this once."

"As if we were ever on the hook..." Harley sniffled before leading the still bawling Joker to the car.

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that..." Batgirl grumbled as she watched them leave.

~Meanwhile.~

"'Ey Lou? I dunno where that kid's gonna kill Bathound but it ain't gonna be on that newspaper." Bud spoke up, breaking the silence as he pointed to the fighting Charlie and Bathound then to the newspaper Lou had placed on the floor to prevent a bloody mess.

"Charlie!" Lou scolded as Charlie released Bathound. The poor, frightened Great Dane scurried out the front door once it was opened by Harley and the still crying Joker.

"I'm going to throw up I swear!" He sobbed, not even noticing Bathound.

"Please don't!" Harley wept a Charlie waddled over to them, hugging both their legs.

"Why the long faces Mom and Dad?" He asked, gaining their attention and ceasing their crying.

"Did ya hear that puddin'?! He called us Mom and Dad!" Harley squealed in delight as she picked up baby Charlie. Bud and Lou exchanged glances and smiled at each other as The Joker appeared both shocked and touched. He had gained back his family, the family he had lost, the family he so desperately longed to have.

"Hug me Daddy!" Charlie suddenly leapt into The Joker's arms, hugging him tightly.

"All's well that ends well..." The Joker smiled before happily hugging his child back.

"HOT COCOA AND POTATO SALAD! WHO'S WITH ME?!" Harley announced.

"I'm out..." Charlie and The Joker said in unison before walking off in separate directions.

"Like Father like son." Harley smiled at the camera before shrugging.

The End: Chapter 4/4 FINAL.


End file.
